After I've Gone Read online

  ‘I think I’d go for Severus,’ I say.

  ‘Well goodbye and good luck with that.’

  I laugh but it’s not funny. Not really. This is our life we’re talking about. It’s simply that Lee doesn’t know it yet. And I have only just got my head around the fact that it may actually be true.

  We turn right. The trendy shops make way for grubby units underneath the old railway arches and they in turn give way to new blocks of apartments clustered around the canal, all of a uniform size and design with little glass balconies.

  ‘Here we are,’ says Lee.

  ‘Which floor?’

  ‘The top one.’

  I nod silently.

  ‘It’s OK, there’s a lift, and you’ll be glad to know it’s usually working and it doesn’t smell.’

  I wasn’t thinking of that. I was actually looking up at the balcony and wondering if I fall from there. Do people do that in real life or is it only in films? A chill surges through me as I realise I could be looking at the scene of my death. Maybe I’m pissed and topple over the side? Would I fall on the towpath or into the canal? Either way, it wouldn’t be pretty. Then again, presumably I wouldn’t be pissed while in charge of a three-month-old baby. And we probably wouldn’t live in an apartment like this if we had a baby. Maybe we will have moved somewhere entirely different by the time it happens. I realise Lee is still looking at me. I attempt to unclench my hands.

  ‘Nice spot,’ I whisper.

  ‘Yeah, got everything I need, really. Cafe and little shop underneath. Bar just across the wharf. And ten minutes’ walk to work.’

  ‘Great,’ I reply, rubbing my hands together to try to get some warmth and feeling back in my body. I follow him up to the building where he punches in an entry code and holds the door open for me. The foyer is smart and clean-smelling. He calls the lift; it opens almost instantly and I step inside. There are mirrors all the way around. I catch Lee looking at me as the doors close. I realise for the first time that I am going to be truly alone with him. He turns me around to face him and kisses me. A proper, full-on movie kiss. I think for a moment he’s going to jam the lift and we’ll end up doing it in here like in Fatal Attraction. That would be fine by me. The last time I had sex it was in a grungy little bedsit above a launderette. I’m going up in the world in more ways than one.

  The lift stops and the doors open. I look up at him.

  ‘Shame,’ he says. ‘I was enjoying that. Oh well, after you.’

  I step out of the lift, Lee’s hand firmly around my waist. He guides me towards the door on the far left and opens it. I follow him inside to a small entrance hall with closed doors surrounding us. It feels a bit like one of those adventure games where you have to crack the code to get out.

  ‘Here, let me take your coat,’ he says. I take my backpack off and hand him my coat. I bend down to take my DMs off.

  ‘It’s OK,’ he says. ‘You don’t have to do that.’

  ‘I don’t want to muck up your floor.’

  ‘I have a cleaner.’

  ‘Well, I don’t want to muck up her floor then.’

  I take them off. What I don’t want to admit is that they’re rubbing me because I only have stockings on, instead of my usual thick socks. Mum’s shoes are in my backpack. I wasn’t sure I could manage to walk this far in them.

  ‘Quick tour then?’ Lee asks.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  He takes me through the far door to the living area. It looks like something out of an IKEA catalogue: all laminated floor, trendy furniture, rugs and lamps. It is the window I am drawn to, though.

  ‘Wow, great view.’

  ‘Yeah. It’s not Paris, but Leeds doesn’t look too rough from up here, especially at night.’

  He leads me back out to the hallway and opens the kitchen door. There are two bar stools at the counter. I wonder how many mornings have seen someone sitting on the one next to him. There must have been plenty of other women. I’m surprised he’s still single, to be honest. Guys like him are usually snapped up pretty fast.

  ‘Very nice.’

  ‘Can I get you a drink of anything before we go?’ he asks.

  ‘No, I’m fine, thanks.’

  He nods and I follow him back out. ‘The bathroom’s across here, if you need it,’ he continues, opening the door on the opposite side of the hallway. I am greeted by a sea of shining chrome and spotless white tiles. Towels are hanging neatly from the rails, the edges lined up perfectly. It feels like being in the penthouse suite of one of those swish hotels you see on the telly. I’m still trying to work out how the hell I ended up with a guy who lives in a place like this. It’s as if they got the wrong person for the part. Perhaps I should check it’s not a case of mistaken identity.

  ‘I’d be too scared to go in there in case I messed it up,’ I say.

  ‘That’s the beauty of having a cleaner. When I come home on a Monday it always looks like this. No matter what state I leave it in.

  ‘But it’s Saturday,’ I say. ‘How come it looks like she’s just been?’

  He shrugs. ‘I guess I’m pretty tidy. And I don’t like clutter around me.’

  I should warn him what a shock he’s in for if he does marry me. I can see I’m going to have to up my game.

  ‘And along here,’ he continues, heading back to the door nearest the front one, ‘is your dressing room.’

  He lets me go in first. It’s straight out of one of those interior design magazines. A king-sized bed with a grey duvet with black trim and matching pillows and cushions; a laminated wooden floor with a coordinating rug; white walls and built-in mirrored wardrobes. And not forgetting the double doors leading to the balcony.

  He steps forward and opens them. A rush of cold air hits me. I don’t want to go out there, but at the same time I am drawn to view what could be the scene of my death. I poke my head outside, just far enough to see the canal below, and step back inside, trying desperately to stop thinking about the drop.

  ‘Not keen on heights?’ he asks.

  ‘Just bloody freezing, that’s all.’

  Lee shuts the doors before opening the wardrobe and taking out a long black dress. ‘This,’ he says, holding it out towards me, ‘is for you, madam.’

  A minute ago I was thinking about where I might die. Now I am looking at the dress I shall go to the ball in. It’s like being in the weirdest Disney film ever, one where you are presented with two alternative endings: the Prince Charming one, or Bambi getting shot by the same guy who shot his mother, and that being the end of the film. I’m pretty clear about which one I will choose.

  I reach out and touch the dress. He went for the off-the-shoulder one. It looks even better than it did in the photo. There are sparkles in the fabric that shimmer under the light. It’s like nothing I’ve ever owned before.

  ‘Oh my god. Thank you so much. It’s gorgeous.’

  ‘It’s the least I can do,’ he says. ‘I really appreciate you putting yourself out like this.’ I feel a pang of guilt as he says it. Especially because I’d actually forgotten about Sadie’s sister’s party.

  ‘That’s OK. I’ve said I’ll get the last train back so I can make the end of the party.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, I’ll get you a cab. You don’t want to be dashing for trains in all your finery. You might leave a glass slipper on the platform.’

  He glances down at my bare feet.

  ‘Oh, was I supposed to get shoes as well?’ he asks.

  ‘Oh, no, it’s OK. I’ve got some with me. In my backpack. I’m not very good at walking in heels, that’s all.’

  ‘Phew, for a minute there I thought you were going to be turning up in an evening dress and boots.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I say, deciding not to admit that the shoes I brought aren’t actually mine. ‘I’m not that bad.’

 
‘Right, I’d better get changed and let you do the same,’ he says, taking his suit out of the wardrobe. ‘I hope it fits. If you need a hand with anything, just shout.’

  He smiles at me and I smile back. It feels weird, being with this man in his bedroom. I wonder if Harrison is conceived in here. And how the hell am I supposed to act normal when I’ve seen so much of our future together? As Lee closes the door behind him, I let out a sigh and start to undress, relieved I remembered to put my strapless bra on in case he went for the off-the-shoulder number.

  I take the dress off the hanger. Lee has removed the price tag but I already know how much it cost. I looked it up on the Jigsaw website. This one was £179, the other was £159. I feel honoured that he went for the more expensive one. Even if he is claiming it back on expenses.

  I wriggle into the dress and manage to zip it most of the way up at the back before turning to face the mirrors. I don’t recognise the young woman who stares back at me, all glamorous and sophisticated. Well, sort of sophisticated. My hair is still a bit crazy but my brush is in my backpack in the hall. I take a deep breath and open the door.

  Lee is standing in the hallway in his tuxedo, looking like he’s stepped out of a James Bond film. He turns around and looks me up and down. His expression reminds me of the hotel manager in Pretty Woman when he sees Julia Roberts done up for the first time.

  ‘Wow,’ he says, stepping forward. ‘You look incredible.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘You don’t look too bad yourself. I can’t quite do up my zip, though.’

  He walks behind me. I feel his breath on the back of my neck as he pulls the zip to the top. His hands touch my shoulders. A second later he is kissing my neck. Soft, gentle kisses. Like he thinks I am a delicate thing of beauty. No one has ever kissed me like that before. He turns me around to face him and kisses me on the lips. More urgently this time. His hands are in my hair, pulling, squeezing. It’s like he’s moved up a couple of gears at once. One hand drops down to my thigh, slipping inside the slit in the dress to my stocking top, the other is on my right boob.

  Our lips part for a second; both of us take a gasp of breath.

  ‘I knew this was a bad idea,’ he whispers. ‘I was stupid enough to think I’d be able to control myself.’

  ‘Are we going to be late?’

  ‘Not if we’re quick. Stay there.’ He disappears into the bathroom and comes back a second later with a small square foil object in his hand.

  ‘Can’t have me messing up your dress, can we?’ He smiles, putting it in his top pocket. ‘Now, where were we?’ He cups my breasts before hitching up my skirt and sliding his hand inside my knickers. My head drops back against the wall, my back arching. His fingers move quickly and easily. He is so fucking good at this. I let out a moan, biting on the shoulder of his jacket to stop myself screaming louder. He is smiling as he makes me come. Smiling like he is loving every second of it. He breaks off to unzip his fly and tear open the condom packet.

  ‘You are so beautiful,’ he whispers. The smile on his face has disappeared, replaced by an intensity that I haven’t seen in him before. He moves forward, tilting my hips towards him, his eyes burning into me. He is going to shag me, here, against the wall. And I don’t think I have ever wanted it so much.

  *

  Afterwards, we lean back against the wall, our chests heaving, both of us trying to catch our breath.

  ‘Well, that was worth keeping the Lord Mayor waiting for,’ says Lee, smiling at me as he brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes.

  ‘We haven’t missed the start, have we?’

  ‘No. We’ll be fine. But I wouldn’t have minded if we had.’

  ‘I would,’ I said. ‘I’m looking forward to this meal.’

  ‘Where the hell do you put it? There’s nothing of you.’

  ‘My mum used to say I’d wake up on my fortieth birthday and all the crap I’d ever eaten would have gone to my thighs overnight.’

  ‘I hope not,’ Lee says, running his hand along my thigh. ‘I rather like them as they are.’

  A smile spreads over my face. I’ve never had a guy who makes me feel like this. I want to savour every single second of it. My stomach lets out a loud rumble.

  ‘That,’ I say, trying not to laugh, ‘was my audible alert that we need to get our arses in gear and go and get some grub.’

  ‘Come on then.’ Lee smiles. ‘I’m not prepared to go into battle with your stomach.’ He leans over and gives me one last kiss before going to the bathroom. I stand there, still trying to take in what has just happened. I worry that he used a condom without me asking because I look like the sort of girl who sleeps around. I worry that he might have been grossed out by the fact that I am too afraid of pain to wax my bikini line. And most of all I worry that I can’t stop thinking about all the stuff on Facebook instead of allowing myself to fall in love with this man.

  *

  We arrive at the hotel bang on seven o’clock. I am convinced we still smell of sex. We hurry through the foyer and Lee shows our invitations to the man on the door of the function room. He nods and points towards the far end. Everybody else is already in their seats. Lee holds my hand and leads me to the two empty places on the Lord Mayor’s table. When we get there, Lee pulls out the chair for me and the Lord Mayor stands up, followed by the other men. I smile and sit down quickly, suspecting I have a huge neon light above my head that reads, ‘I’m late because I just had sex with him’, with an arrow pointing towards Lee.

  The women at the table nod politely. I’m damn sure they know too. There is a certain colour in the cheeks that you can’t get from blusher alone.

  ‘It’s an honour to meet you,’ Lee says, extending his hand to the Lord Mayor. ‘Lee Griffiths, Eclipse PR. And this is Jess, my girlfriend.’

  Girlfriend. He said it out loud. This means it’s real, not a Disney movie after all.

  ‘Very glad you could make it,’ he says, shaking each of our hands in turn. ‘I was beginning to think I might have to eat three dinners.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I say. ‘I have no intention of leaving a scrap of mine.’

  The Lord Mayor leans over to me. ‘Quite right too,’ he says with a wink. ‘I only come to these things for the free food, but best not tell anyone.’

  He introduces us to the Lady Mayoress. She has a glazed look in her eyes and chubby cheeks. I suspect she only comes for the food too.

  Lee strokes my thigh under the table. ‘Told you we’d make it in time,’ he whispers.

  ‘People are giving us weird looks. Do you think everyone knows what we’ve been up to?’

  ‘I don’t care if they do. They’re only jealous. Well, the men are, anyway.’

  He smiles at me again. When I look up, every woman at the table is looking at him. Seems like the men aren’t the only ones who are jealous. I feel a swell of pride. I want to yell, Hey, he’s mine, eyes back in their sockets, please! I don’t though. But I do look incredibly smug.

  *

  When Lee’s company wins the Best Small Business in Leeds award later, I do a little whoop, whistle under my breath and clap so hard my hands hurt.

  ‘Told you!’ I whisper, when Lee gets back to the table with the award.

  ‘Seems I should listen to you,’ Lee says. ‘You’re pretty good at predictions. If you’ve any idea who’s going to win the three twenty at York next weekend, you might like to put a word in my ear.’

  I smile at him, wishing that was the only thing about the future I did know.

  ‘Congratulations,’ the woman next to me says.

  ‘Thanks,’ says Lee.

  ‘You too, dear.’ She smiles.

  ‘Oh, I don’t work for them,’ I say.

  ‘Not yet,’ says Lee. ‘I’m working on her.’

  I look up at him.

  ‘I mean it,’ he says. ‘I want you t
o go for the receptionist’s job.’

  ‘I told you. I’m not interested.’

  ‘The job’s yours if you want it.’

  ‘I can get my own jobs, thank you. Anyway, like I said, I’m not the glamorous receptionist type.’

  ‘Says the most glamorous woman in the room.’ I blush. ‘You’d be amazing. Plus, I’d get to see you loads more because you wouldn’t be working crazy shifts.’

  ‘I’ll try to get a night off next week.’

  ‘The interviews are a week on Wednesday. And I’m very happy to make an exception for late applicants on this occasion.’

  ‘Nice try. Still not interested.’

  ‘Well, if you change your mind, the offer’s still there,’ he says. I glance across at him when he’s not looking. He seems a bit deflated. I imagine he’s the sort of guy who’s used to getting what he wants. I hope he’s not going to hold it against me.

  *

  We emerge onto the front steps of the Queen’s Hotel, Lee still clutching the award. My feet are killing me. I look down at my shoes and am instantly reminded of Mum. I can’t help wondering if her feet ever hurt this much when she wore them.

  ‘What time is it?’ I ask. I left my watch back at his flat.

  ‘Just gone ten,’ he says.

  ‘I should still make it then.’

  ‘I’ll call a cab for you from the flat, if you want.’

  ‘Thanks. Are you sure?’

  ‘About paying? Yes. About you going? No.’

  I look up at him. ‘It’s just that I promised.’

  ‘I know. But I don’t want the night to end here. I want to take you back home. I want you to stay over. I want to wake up next to you in the morning. I want to spend the weekend with you, take you for Sunday lunch at my mum’s. Do all the stuff couples are supposed to do together. I want to be with you, Jess. It’s as simple as that.’

  I feel my heart quadruple in size. I fear it might burst right out of my ribcage. All those years I used to lie in my bedroom, dreaming that a guy would say stuff like that to me, and here I am about to walk away from him. I’ll be fucking certifiable if I do. He’d have every right to dump me – it’s not like there are a shortage of candidates to take my place.