While My Eyes Were Closed: The #1 Bestseller Read online

  ‘She’s been taken,’ I say. It surprises me as I say it. I hadn’t even realised I thought that until now.

  ‘I understand that you’re worried and we’re here to help, but we need to take this step by step, so we can build up a picture of what happened.’

  ‘I know what happened, and someone’s got her. She would have come out by now if she was hiding. And she wouldn’t have left the park without me – she knows not to do that. She’s never done this before. Someone’s taken her. I know they have.’

  My voice is surprisingly steady as I speak. I see them looking at me, trying to work me out. Maybe wondering why I sound so calm when my daughter is missing. I am not calm inside, mind. Inside I feel like I’m having some kind of intense cardiovascular workout without actually moving my body an inch.

  ‘Right,’ says PC Reynolds. ‘Well rest assured we’re taking your call very seriously. We have three police community support officers who will be here in a moment and numerous other officers are on their way. Let me just go over some of the details you gave us. When did you last see your daughter?’

  ‘About ten past three. We were playing hide-and-seek. She’s very good at it. That’s why I spent a long time looking for her before I called. I felt a bit stupid, to be honest. I didn’t want to waste your time.’

  ‘And can you describe your daughter for me?’

  ‘She’s four, five next month. Slim . . . well, skinny really. She’s got dark blonde hair with a fringe. Kind of shoulder length.’

  ‘What was she wearing?’

  ‘A green and white striped T-shirt dress with a big pink flower on it. And green leggings and Crocs. I told you all this when I phoned.’

  ‘I know, but we need to double-check all the details. Are there any other distinguishing features?’

  ‘No. Not really. She had grazes on both hands, mind.’

  PC Reynolds looks up at me.

  ‘She fell over just there,’ I say, pointing to the path.

  ‘Did anyone else see her fall over?’

  ‘I don’t know. My eyes were closed. I told you, we were playing hide-and-seek.’

  She is writing all this down in her notebook. I wonder if she thinks I am a bad mother. Maybe not. She doesn’t look old enough to be a mother herself. Although that’s a bit rich coming from me.

  ‘OK. Can you take me to the exact place you last saw her?’

  I head over to the little path. PC Reynolds and the male copper, whose name I have already forgotten, follow. Other people look down and clear the way as we walk. Like they are embarrassed because something bad has happened and they don’t want to look me in the eye.

  I stop at what I think is the right place. I look back to the tree where I was counting and try to work out exactly where she was when I heard her cry.

  ‘Here,’ I say. ‘This is where she fell. She screamed and I ran over to check she was OK, and then I went back to that tree to count while she hid again.’

  ‘And can you remember if you heard her footsteps running away? Or anyone else’s voice?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘No. My phone rang, see. I had to answer it. Work, you know.’

  I shrug, sure she does think I’m a bad mother now.

  ‘And how long was it before you started looking for her?’

  ‘I don’t know. I mean I was talking on my mobile for a while, and then I shut my eyes and pretended to count in case Ella was looking, and then when I opened them I realised I’d lost her balloon.’

  ‘Her balloon?’

  ‘Yeah, a red one from the lad’s party she went to earlier. I was looking after it for her. I only realised it was gone when I started looking for her.’

  I look down at the ground, knowing how shabby it all sounds.

  ‘So perhaps it was as long as five minutes altogether?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say with a sigh. ‘It was probably a good five minutes or so.’

  She nods, walks a little distance away and speaks into her radio. I look around and see that there are three other coppers in the park now. I see the flashing lights in the car park and hear another siren from the road that runs alongside it. More coppers appear a moment later. They are running this time. I brush my hair away from my face, aware that my hands feel clammy. This is real. It is happening to me. I am not going to wake up from this.

  I hear an out-of-breath voice say, ‘Lisa.’ There’s a hand on my shoulder. For a moment I think it is Alex but turn to see Dad standing there in a grease-stained T-shirt and jeans which are belted too tight under his belly. He hugs me. I can feel him shaking. I have never known him shake before. Maybe that is why I start feeling sick.

  ‘Why haven’t they found her yet?’ he asks.

  I shrug, unable to produce any words.

  He goes up to the male copper and points accusingly at his face. ‘What are you doing standing around here? You should be out there looking for her.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I say to the copper. ‘He’s my dad.’

  The copper turns to Dad. ‘I can assure you both that we are doing everything we can but we have to go through set procedures in cases like this.’

  ‘I don’t care about your fucking procedures. She’s four years old. I want everyone out there on the streets looking for her.’

  ‘Dad, don’t,’ I say as PC Reynolds comes back over to us. ‘They’re doing their best.’

  ‘Well their best’s not bloody good enough. She’s not here, is she? It’s a waste of time looking for her here.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I say to both the coppers. ‘He’s a bit upset.’

  ‘I understand that,’ says PC Reynolds. ‘But in a missing-persons case we always start with a thorough search of the area where the person was last seen. That’s what the officers are doing now.’

  She gestures across the park. There must be at least eight pairs of coppers searching now. It’s as if they are multiplying every time I look up. It should make me feel better but it doesn’t. It makes me feel worse.

  Another copper is making his way towards me. He has one of those flat hats on. Maybe he has bad news for me. Maybe they have sent someone senior to tell me something terrible. He holds out his hand.

  ‘Mrs Dale, I’m Sergeant Fuller from the Halifax station. I’m in charge of our operation here. More officers are being deployed as we speak and we have a thorough search going on.’

  ‘She’s not here,’ says Dad. ‘Someone’s taken her.’

  Sergeant Fuller looks at me. ‘He’s my dad,’ I say, wondering if I should get some kind of sign to hang around his neck so I don’t have to keep apologising for him.

  ‘Right. Mister?’

  ‘Benson,’ says Dad.

  ‘Mr Benson, I can assure you that officers have been deployed to a variety of tasks including containing the immediate area and taking details of everyone leaving the area. Several officers around the park also have recording cameras and we have a police search adviser on the way. In the meantime we are doing everything we can to make sure we find her.’

  Dad shakes his head and paws at the ground with a foot, like some bull about to charge. I suspect it’s only the fact that Sergeant Fuller is obviously local that has stopped Dad from letting rip at him.

  Fuller turns back to face me. ‘Were there any family members or friends in the park at the time?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘What about school friends?’

  ‘She doesn’t go to school yet. She’s due to start reception on Monday.’

  My voice catches as I say it.

  Sergeant Fuller nods. ‘Nursery friends then? Or other children she knows?’

  ‘No. She went to a neighbour’s party in town this morning, but none of them were here. She’d have said if they were. She doesn’t miss a thing.’

  ‘OK. We will need the names of all of those at the party though. My colleague mentioned that you lost a balloon which belonged to her.’

  ‘Yeah. I had it when I got here. I’m pretty sure I had it when sh
e fell over, but I must have let go at some point after that, maybe when I answered my phone.’ My voice trails off. I’m aware that the phone is about the only thing I have managed to keep hold of.

  ‘Right. Have you got a photo of her on your phone?’

  I get out my mobile and start swiping through the photos.

  ‘Anything taken today?’ he asks.

  I shake my head. I should have taken one of her climbing up to the slide. I didn’t even think of it, though. He probably thinks I am a bad mum too.

  ‘What about one wearing the same clothes as she has on today?’

  I swipe further back, and my finger stops over a photo of her wearing the green and white striped dress on the beach at Bridlington last month. She doesn’t have the leggings on but the dress is the same.

  ‘Here,’ I say, passing the phone to him. ‘That’s the dress she’s wearing.’

  ‘When was it taken?’

  ‘Last month.’

  ‘OK. And are you happy for us to circulate it to all officers and to the media too if necessary?’

  I don’t like the way he says ‘if necessary’. I don’t want to even think about what that means. I nod anyway.

  ‘Thank you. Can you email it to this address please?’ He pulls out a card and gives it to me. My fingers are shaking as I type the email address. I attach the photo and press Send. His phone beeps almost instantly.

  ‘Right,’ he says. ‘If you’ll excuse me I need to get this out. You stay put and I promise to keep you informed of any developments.’

  I nod again. Feeling like a spare part in all of this.

  ‘What can I do to help?’ I ask.

  ‘You could contact all your friends and family to check that they haven’t seen her. Does she know anyone who lives within walking distance of the park?’

  I think for a moment, but there’s no one. No one at all. I shake my head.

  ‘OK, well, keep thinking. One of my colleagues will be along to go through your phone contacts with you at some point.’

  He gives me what I presume is supposed to be a reassuring smile and walks off, talking into his radio.

  Dad looks at me. ‘Does Alex know?’ he asks.

  ‘No. His phone’s turned off. He’s in a meeting. I’ve left a message for him to call me when he comes out.’

  ‘Right.’ He is silent again for a bit.

  ‘Do you remember seeing any blokes hanging about the playground?’ he asks.

  ‘Dad, don’t.’

  ‘What? If some bastard’s taken her then he must have been in the park at the same time.’

  I shut my eyes for a second and sit down heavily on the ground, aware that my legs don’t feel capable of supporting me any more. Dad kneels down and puts his arm around my shoulders.

  ‘Look, I didn’t mean to upset you, love.’

  ‘I know. I just keep hoping she’ll come running across the grass any minute, laughing that we took so long to find her.’

  Dad doesn’t say anything because he knows, like me, that it’s not going to happen.

  ‘I’m going to go and look for her,’ he says eventually, getting to his feet.

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Outside the park. In the streets around here. I need to do summat. Keep myself busy, like.’

  ‘OK. Have you got your phone on?’

  He nods. ‘Call me if you need me, Lis. Are you going to be all right on your own?’

  ‘Yeah. I’ll get in touch with people, like the copper said. Just in case, like.’

  Dad opens his mouth to say something but shuts it again. I watch him walk off, his footsteps heavy, his head low. A few seconds later I hear him calling Ella’s name. It is half-hearted though. Like he knows she can’t hear him.

  I take out my phone. The sun has disappeared behind the clouds now so the screen is easier to see. Still nothing from Alex. I call his number again just in case he hasn’t picked up the voicemail. I don’t leave another message though. I don’t know what else I can say. Instead I go to my contacts and start scrolling down the massive list of mobile numbers and email addresses. They’re a mixture of friends, family and clients. There are people who I haven’t spoken to for years. The gas man who fitted our new boiler. Clients who stopped their personal training sessions ages ago, whose faces I can barely remember. I can’t bring myself to phone anyone, but I can text people. I can at least do that.

  I start trying to compose a text. I keep deleting words because I don’t want to worry people and then I remember that it is not the time to be stupid like that.

  In the end I settle on ‘Ella has been missing from Grange Park, Halifax since 3.10 this afternoon. If you have seen her anywhere since please text me asap. Please don’t phone as trying to keep line free.’

  I send the text, trying not to think about the looks on people’s faces as they receive it. Within a couple of moments the replies start coming in. I read the first couple, both about how awful it is and that if there is anything they can do to help . . . I don’t even register who they are from. It doesn’t really matter.

  I glance up, aware that someone is standing next to me. It is the woman who sent her son to look for Ella. She is holding a polystyrene cup.

  ‘I got you a tea, but if you’d rather a coffee just say and I can go back and get you one.’

  ‘No. Tea’s fine. Thank you. How much do I owe you?’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ she replies, handing it to me.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Dan’s still looking,’ she says. ‘He’s determined to find her.’

  ‘That’s really kind of him,’ I say. ‘But don’t worry. The police are here now. You guys can get on home.’

  She gives a little nod and walks away. I notice the police are grouped together having some kind of meeting. I wonder if I should go over and join them or if they will all stop talking when I arrive. I look at my watch again. I swear the hands haven’t moved since the last time. The texts are coming in thick and fast now. I check each one in case, but they all just say how sorry they are and that they’re thinking of me. No one has seen her. I wish I could turn the bloody thing off now but I can’t in case Alex rings.

  I sit down on the grass and try to summon up something obvious that I haven’t thought of yet. A reason why she would have gone off with someone, an explanation for the fact that she has disappeared, and no one, least of all me, saw or heard anything. The only thing I can think of is the balloon. If she maybe saw it and went running off after it. If she’s cross at me for losing it and upset enough to be hiding somewhere. I still don’t think she would do that. But I also know that if I rule out the possibility, all I am left with is the horrible, scary explanations. I feel a bit light-headed and put my head between my knees for a moment. When I look up the police meeting appears to have broken up, the officers walking off purposefully in different directions. Sergeant Fuller heads back over to me.

  ‘OK,’ he says. ‘Ella’s photo has gone out to all officers and to the media.’

  ‘You think someone’s taken her, don’t you?’

  ‘I think we need to get as many people as possible looking for her. It’s pretty instant these days with Facebook, Twitter and whatnot. And very often in these cases a member of the public will find the child. If she has simply wandered off after her balloon, we need the public to be looking out for her.’

  ‘I still think someone’s taken her.’

  ‘Have you talked to her about not going with strangers?’

  ‘Yes . . . well, I mean as much as you can with a four-year-old without scaring the life out of them.’

  ‘And if someone did try to take her, how do you think she’d react?’

  ‘She’d shout and scream, make a big fuss. She’s not a shrinking violet. She’s got an older brother, she’s used to standing her ground.’

  He looks at me and nods.

  ‘No one’s being allowed to leave the park without us filming them. We’re getting names and addresses, asking for statements.�
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  ‘Has anyone seen anything?’

  He shakes his head.

  ‘What about the people who left before you arrived? How are you going to find them?’

  ‘We’ll put out appeals through the media. I’m sure they’ll come forward.’

  I look down at my feet. ‘I should have called you earlier, I feel so bloody stupid. She could be anywhere by now.’

  ‘Come on. We need you to keep positive. Is there anyone who can come and be with you?’

  ‘My dad’s still here but he’s gone off to look for her. He’s not good at waiting around.’

  He nods. Hesitates for a moment. ‘Look, I need to ask about Ella’s father. Do you live together?’

  ‘Yeah. We’re married. He’s working in Manchester. He doesn’t even know yet. I’ve left him a message.’

  ‘OK. I’m going to send one of my officers over to you to take his details and the names and details of everyone in your family. Your friends too. And everyone at the kiddies’ party earlier.’

  ‘I’ve already texted everyone.’

  ‘That’s great, but we still need to contact them ourselves.’

  ‘You think it’s someone she knows, don’t you?’

  ‘We have to build up a picture of everyone she knows, everyone she’s come into contact with. To be honest, the younger they are, the easier it is. When they’re teenagers they’ve had contact with that many people on social media it’s a nightmare.’

  I think of Chloe. He’s right. I wouldn’t have a clue how many people she’s chatted to online.

  ‘Sure, whatever I can do to help.’

  ‘We’ve got a lot of officers out there now, so please be assured we’re doing everything we can.’

  I nod. He walks away. I wish to hell I hadn’t taken that call on my mobile.

  *

  Alex finally calls at five fifteen.

  ‘Have you found her yet?’

  ‘No. There’s no sign. Police are searching everywhere.’

  ‘The police?’

  ‘Well, yeah. She’s gone missing, Alex. I had to call them.’

  ‘Oh Jeez.’ I can picture his face, almost hear it falling down the phone.

  ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have joked about it. I just didn’t think she could actually have disappeared. I didn’t see how that would even be possible.’