The Last Thing She Told Me Read online

  ‘Sorry,’ I whispered to the woman at the end of the row. She stood up, as did the woman sitting next to her. Someone in the row behind tutted more loudly. I saw the girl glance across to see what the commotion was and, as she did so, realised it wasn’t Ruby at all. And the man next to her was a lot younger than John. Someone behind us called out, ‘Sit down.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I thought it was my daughter.’

  I shuffled back along the aisle, apologising as I went. I walked up past the last few rows. There was no sign of her. No sign at all.

  I felt a tug on my jacket and jumped, looking down expecting to see Ruby. It wasn’t, though. It was the mum of one of her friends from primary school. We always said it was impossible to go to the cinema in Hebden without seeing someone you knew.

  ‘Hi. Are you looking for Ruby?’ she whispered. ‘Only I saw her outside with an elderly, bald chap, her grandad, was it?

  ‘Yes,’ I said. You didn’t see where they sat?’

  ‘They didn’t come in. I waved hello and then I saw them walking away as we got to the top of the steps.’

  ‘Oh, right. Thanks,’ I whispered back. ‘They must have changed their minds.’

  I pushed my way out through the double doors at the back.

  ‘Everything all right?’

  It was only as I turned to see the blurred figure of the woman in the kiosk that I realised I was crying.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Fine.’

  I stumbled down the cinema steps and stood on the pavement below, my body shaking. Maybe John had taken her away because they’d seen someone she knew. He must have been planning to do something to her. It wouldn’t have bothered him otherwise. I got out my phone and tried Ruby again. It went to voicemail. I had to call it back three times before I could compose myself enough to leave another message.

  ‘Please call me straight away,’ I say. ‘I need to know you’re safe.’

  I rang John’s number too. My body went cold as I heard his voice on the message. I ended the call, unable to bring myself to speak to his voicemail. I texted him instead. Asked him to call me as soon as he got the message as I’d forgotten Ruby had a dental appointment.

  I wanted to call the police but I still doubted they’d take me seriously. I’d sent Ruby off with him. I had no proof he’d done anything wrong or that she was in any danger. I called James, taking deep breaths as his phone rang in the hope that I’d be able to compose myself enough to speak if he answered. It went to voicemail too. He often turned it off when he was on jobs, so as not to get disturbed every five minutes.

  ‘Please call me as soon as you get this,’ I said, knowing that would freak him out but not being able to tell him not to worry when there was every reason to worry like hell.

  I knew that standing there in a state of paralysis was not helping but I had no idea what to do. Somewhere from deep inside me, a calm voice told me to go back to John’s. That they’d probably gone back there afterwards. Perhaps it was Ruby who hadn’t wanted to be seen with John by people she knew.

  I started running back to my car. When I got there, I noticed a parking ticket on the windscreen but I didn’t even bother to take it off. I got straight in and drove back up to Heptonstall, trying hard to convince myself that Ruby would be sitting there reading and nothing would have happened.

  John’s car still wasn’t there. I got out and knocked on the door again, though I knew I wouldn’t get a reply. I remembered I’d told Mum I’d call her when I found Ruby. She must be worried sick by now.

  I got my phone out again and rang her, relieved to hear an actual person at the other end of the line when she answered.

  ‘They weren’t there,’ I said. ‘Someone I knew from school said she’d seen them outside the cinema but they hadn’t gone in.’

  I heard what sounded like a whimper.

  ‘I’ve come back to his house but they’re not here. I don’t know where he’s taken her. Maybe I should call the police.’

  ‘Come back here,’ said Mum, her voice calmer than mine. ‘I’m still at the house. I want to help look for her. ’

  I shut my eyes and nodded, even though I knew she couldn’t see me. ‘I’m on my way,’ I said.

  *

  When I got there, Mum was standing in the back garden by the fairy statues. Her eyes were red-rimmed. Her face appeared to have aged since I’d seen her less than an hour ago.

  ‘I should call the police,’ I said. ‘He could be doing something to her right now. I feel so stupid.’

  ‘You weren’t to know,’ said Mum. ‘No one knew.’

  ‘I don’t understand why he’d take her somewhere, though. I mean, he was alone at home with her. What did he want, somewhere with a better view?’

  Mum didn’t say anything, just started walking briskly, crossing the road and heading left up the path that hugged the dry-stone wall. She didn’t say anything but I knew that she was going somewhere important and that I should follow her.

  The earlier sunshine had disappeared behind a dark cloud, as if out of respect for the seriousness of the situation. We got to the gate at the far field. She turned to look at me.

  ‘Over the gate and follow the path around to the top of the ridge,’ she said. ‘I can’t come. I want to but I can’t. I’ll go back to the house and wait there.’

  I climbed the gate, my legs wobbling as I jumped down the other side. He had a path, a well-worn route. How many times had he walked it over the years? What had he done to my mother when he’d got to the top? And what was he doing to my daughter right now?

  I broke into a run. The sneakers I was wearing were covered in mud within seconds but I didn’t care. I kept running, my feet ploughing through the mud. I heard my breathing get heavier with every stride up the hill. I wished, possibly for the first time in my life, that I’d bothered to keep myself in trim. Until that moment I’d never seen the point of going to the gym.

  My nose was running. I wiped it with my jacket sleeve, all the time fighting to get rid of the images crowding my head. I kept peering into the distance, scouring the horizon for any sign of them. It started to rain. Big spots falling onto my face. Or maybe it was simply my tears, it was hard to tell. I had let her down. From before she was conceived I had let her down. Now I was being punished for it and deservedly so. I held my face up to the sky, keen to feel the full force of what I was owed. And then I rounded a corner and saw them, sitting on a picnic rug, a few feet back from the edge of the ridge, gathering up the things on it, laughing.

  I ran up to them, barely able to speak by the time I got there. Ruby looked up with a start. I focused on her, unwilling and unable to meet John’s gaze.

  ‘We’ve got to go,’ I said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You’ve got a dental appointment. I forgot. Sorry.’

  Ruby glared at me. ‘But we were having a picnic.’

  ‘Yeah, well, it’s raining now anyway.’

  I took her arm. John was looking at me. I knew I had to try to conceal how I felt, as difficult as that might be. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second. It was long enough: he knew that I knew. He made no attempt to grab Ruby or make a run for it.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Forgot all about it.’

  I dragged Ruby back towards the path. Her head was down, her hair hanging over her face. If she could have obliterated me from the planet at that moment, I was pretty sure she would have chosen to do so. But I had her. I had my baby. And I wasn’t going to let him anywhere near her ever again.

  She stalked down the ridge in front of me, propelled by sheer fury. It was only when we got to the road below that she turned to face me, her eyes boring into me.

  ‘I can’t believe you did that to Uncle John. It was so rude, leaving him on his own like that. If I’d done that, you’d have had a right go at me.’

  It was a moment before
she seemed to register that I wasn’t reacting in the way she expected. Then she noticed I was gulping air and tears, my whole body shaking, as I walked on, letting the rain beat down on me. It wasn’t anywhere near hard enough.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked. ‘What’s going on?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’ll tell you when we get back,’ I said.

  As we rounded the corner I could see Mum standing in the front garden. She cried out as soon as she saw us.

  ‘What’s Grandma doing here?’ asked Ruby, increasingly frantic now.

  ‘Just give her a hug,’ I said. ‘Tell her you’re OK and we’ll get in the car. Then I’ll explain.’

  Mum staggered towards us as we reached the garden, tears streaming down her face. I put an arm around her and pulled a bewildered Ruby between us. We held her so tightly she must have been struggling to breathe.

  ‘Will someone please tell me what is going on?’ Ruby asked, as she extricated herself.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said to Mum. ‘Are you going to be all right?’

  She nodded. ‘I’ll go home now.’

  ‘Go and sit in your car a minute. I’ll call you when we’ve had the chance to talk.’

  She swallowed and nodded again, then gave Ruby a last hug. ‘Your hair,’ she said suddenly. ‘It’s very pretty. I used to have mine just like that.’

  I led Ruby silently back to the car. Led, only in the sense that I knew where the car was and had retained a vague sense of direction. It was her arm around me. Her supporting me. Her taking me to a place of safety.

  The parking ticket was still on the windscreen. I took it off and stuffed it into my pocket. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said. ‘It doesn’t matter at all.’

  We got into the car. I locked the doors from the inside. I turned to Ruby, brushed the damp hair from my face. ‘I need to ask you a question,’ I said. ‘A few questions, actually. I’m sorry to have to ask you but I need to know.’

  ‘You’re scaring me,’ she said.

  ‘Has Uncle John ever touched you?’ I asked. ‘I mean in a way he shouldn’t have. Has he said or done anything that’s made you feel uncomfortable?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘If he had, it wouldn’t be your fault. Do you understand that? He might have told you not to tell anyone but you can tell me, You’re not going to get into trouble. ’

  ‘He never touched me,’ she said. The expression on her face told me that she was speaking the truth. She clearly couldn’t understand why I was even asking her these questions.

  ‘And was he ever alone with Maisie?’ I asked. ‘Were you ever not in the room when they were together?’

  ‘No,’ she said softly.

  I wiped the tears from my cheeks.

  ‘Are you going to tell me what’s happened?’ she asked.

  ‘When we get home,’ I said.

  I got my phone out and rang Mum. She answered instantly.

  ‘She’s fine,’ I said. ‘They’re both fine.’

  I heard her burst into tears. Saw her sitting in her car across the road, smiling through her own pain because her first-born grandchild was safe. I put the phone back into my pocket and drove my first-born home.

  *

  Ruby made the hot chocolate. It was like she knew she had to take over the parental thing for a bit. She was aware that I wasn’t fit to look after myself, let alone anyone else. She put the mugs on the kitchen table, even remembering to use the coasters.

  I sat there for a while, trying to form some coherent sentences in my head before I attempted to get them out into the world. Ruby waited patiently, seemingly understanding that an explanation would come.

  ‘Grandma came to see me earlier,’ I began eventually. ‘I mentioned Uncle John to her and she told me that he wasn’t her cousin at all. Olive and Harold weren’t her real aunt and uncle. She simply called them that because they lived next door. Parents used to tell children to call adults they knew well “auntie” and “uncle”. It was sort of a respect thing.’

  What a horrible conceit that was. I paused while I waited for the next words to come. Ruby sat staring at me, her eyes searching my face for answers.

  ‘You’re not going to call John “uncle” any more because he isn’t. He lived next door to Grandma when she was growing up. That’s why he was in all those photographs with her.’

  I paused again, trying to find the right words.

  ‘The thing is, Grandma told me he did some horrible things to her. He touched her in places he shouldn’t have. When she was fourteen years old.’

  I watched the words land on Ruby, saw her try to deflect them and find they were too heavy. I was scared she’d buckle under the weight. She didn’t, though. Her eyes sagged with tears but she tried bravely to bat them away. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘It’s not a nice thing for any of us to hear.’

  ‘Poor Grandma,’ Ruby said. ‘Didn’t she tell anyone?’

  ‘I don’t know. She certainly never told me.’

  ‘Why not?’

  I bit my lip. ‘Sometimes, parents think it’s best to protect their children from some of the bad things in the world, some of the hurt. It’s like they don’t want them to know what a scary place it can be.’

  Ruby sat silently, still trying to take it all in. ‘We won’t ever have to see him again, will we?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Are we going to tell Maisie about it?’

  I hadn’t thought that far ahead. ‘We’ll tell her we found out he wasn’t Grandma’s cousin after all. That he lied to us. We won’t tell her what he did.’ I put my arm around her, drew her close to me, the way I used to do. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, my voice shaking. ‘I’m really, really sorry for putting you at risk like that.’

  ‘You didn’t know, did you?’

  ‘I still feel bad, though. It’s like I said, parents always want to protect their kids.’

  We sat in silence for a while. I took a sip of my hot chocolate.

  ‘So he lived in Andrea’s house where they found the other bones?’ she asked.

  The same cogs had been turning in her head as in mine. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think he did.’

  *

  I thought about ringing James but didn’t see the need to worry him at work, now I knew the girls were safe. It would wait until he got home. Until I could tell him properly and he had the time and space he’d need to process it.

  Ruby sat and read for a bit. She didn’t go to her room, though, which she would usually have done when Maisie was out. She sat next to me on the sofa. She even let me stroke her hair. When the time came to collect Maisie, we got into the car together and drove silently to Emily’s house.

  ‘Are you going to tell her straight away?’ Ruby asked.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘Let’s wait until we get home.’

  Maisie exploded into the car, full of chatter and tales of what she and Emily had got up to and how she’d been invited to her firework-party sleepover on Saturday. I glanced at Ruby. She had a smile on her face and tears in her eyes, like I did.

  When we got home, I opened the door and the girls went straight through to the kitchen. It was only as I shut it and turned to hang my jacket up that I saw the brown envelope on the floor. I knew straight away who it was from. Who all the notes must have been from. My hands were trembling as I picked it up. I took out a piece of ruled notepaper. The spidery writing was now familiar.

  Don’t believe a word your mother says. She wanted it as much as I did. If you go to the police I will tell them that. They won’t believe her. It will be her word against mine. She was very pretty when she was younger, you know. Just like your Ruby is now. And you won’t always be around to protect her. Just you remember that.

  I was gripping the envelope so hard that my knuckles were white. There was something else in it. I put in my fingers a
nd pulled them out. Two photographs: one of Mum and one of Ruby. Taken on exactly the same spot at the top of the ridge. I cast my mind back, trying to remember if I’d seen a computer at his house. I hadn’t, probably because it wasn’t downstairs but in his bedroom. Bedrooms were a good place for secrets and it seemed there was a lot about John that I hadn’t known.

  15 September, 1944

  Dear Betty,

  I feel so stupid now for thinking your parents would approve of me, for believing they’d give us their blessing to get married. I know you said they were old-fashioned but I was not expecting that. Clearly, they don’t see things the way we do. Please do not listen to them. You have not brought shame on anyone. This baby has been created by love and it will be loved more than any child has ever been. They may have the power to stop me marrying you now but they won’t have next April.

  Once our baby is born and you turn eighteen, no one will be able to stop us. The war will be over by then and I’ll take you home to Canada to get married, so we can start our new life together. I know it’s hard but we’ve got to be strong until that point.

  You being sent away to your great-aunt’s isn’t the end, you must remember that. They might be able to stop me seeing you for now but it won’t be forever. And every day, every week, every month we are apart, our love will grow stronger. They can punish us and hurt us but they cannot break us, Betty. I will not allow it to happen.

  I will write to you and I will think about you every moment we are apart. And I will think of our baby, growing inside you, and how brave and strong you are being for carrying it, for not giving in to their demands. No one will touch our baby, Betty. You will keep it safe and it will be only a few weeks old when we get married. It will never know anything different than living with us as a family.