The Last Thing She Told Me Page 14

  ‘It was only the once,’ I said. ‘I’d been to a party. I didn’t really know what I was doing.’

  ‘Were you drunk?’ asked Ruby.

  I screwed my eyes up and nodded.

  ‘Did you love him?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Does he even know I exist?’

  ‘No,’ I whispered.

  ‘What was his name? I want to get in touch with him. I want him to know he’s got a daughter. He might want to see me once he knows.’

  I started crying. I could still hear Mum asking me the same questions. She’d said this would happen. She’d said I’d never be able to look her in the eye. And she’d been right.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said, my voice barely audible. ‘I don’t even know his name.’

  Ruby burst into a fresh round of tears and flung herself face down on the pillow.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, leaning forward and attempting to put my hand on her again.

  ‘Get off me,’ she shouted, pushing it away. ‘You don’t even know the name of my dad. That’s disgusting. I can’t believe you’d do that to me.’

  I stood up, not altogether sure that my legs would support me, and walked unsteadily out of the room, shutting the door behind me.

  *

  I was still sitting numbly at the kitchen table when James came down.

  ‘Was Ruby asleep?’ I asked. We’d let Maisie stay up a bit later than usual to give Ruby a chance to get to bed before she went into their room.

  ‘No,’ he replied. ‘But she did a good job of pretending.’

  ‘Oh, fuck,’ I said, banging the palm of my hand against my head. ‘She’ll never forgive me.’

  ‘What exactly did you say?’ asked James.

  ‘I basically told her it was a one-night stand. She said she wanted to know his name because she wanted to get in touch with him. It was when I told her I didn’t know it that she lost it.’

  James came over and put his hands on my shoulders. ‘I’m sorry. We always knew this was going to happen at some point.’

  ‘I’d hoped she’d be a bit older, more able to handle it.’

  ‘So why did you tell her?’

  I turned to face him. ‘Look at the state the rest of my family are in. I didn’t want us to be like me and Mum, or how Mum and Grandma used to be. I wanted to have a proper relationship with my daughter. Shame I’ve blown it.’

  ‘She’ll come—’

  ‘Please don’t say it.’

  James sighed and looked up at the ceiling. ‘How about I suggest adopting her?’

  I frowned at him. ‘I said you didn’t need to do that.’

  ‘Yeah, well. Things change, don’t they? She wants a dad. If I adopted her, it would be official.’

  ‘You already are her dad. She doesn’t need a piece of paper telling her that.’

  ‘Maybe she does. Pieces of paper can be important. One of these days she’s going to ask to see her birth certificate.’

  I bit my bottom lip. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach started rising. I stood up and walked towards the window.

  ‘Nic, sorry, I didn’t mean—’

  ‘No, you’re right. It’s not going to get any easier, is it? I’m so scared I’m going to lose her.’

  James walked over and wrapped his arms around me. ‘She’s got the best mum in the world. She just doesn’t realise it right now.’

  ‘Maybe I’ve screwed up her entire life. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better—’

  James put his finger to my lips. ‘Don’t even go there,’ he said.

  I didn’t bother to lock the door the following week. There was no point. If I didn’t open it, he would simply knock louder and louder and someone would see or hear and then he would tell them all those things about me. And he was right: there was nothing I could say or do because no one would ever believe me. He had woven a web and I was trapped in it. It was my stupid fault for getting caught in the first place.

  When the knock came, I walked to the door, opened it and let him in. He wasn’t carrying flowers this time. There was no need for pretence. We both knew what he had come for. He shut the door behind him and sat himself down at the kitchen table.

  ‘Best get the kettle on, lass,’ he said.

  I moved towards the sink, trying hard to disguise the fact that my hands were shaking. He was whistling, safe in the knowledge that he could get what he wanted at any point. There was no need to rush anything.

  Maybe that was why he didn’t make a move when I put the cosy on the teapot this time. He let me pour the tea and sat and drank his, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and smacked his lips.

  ‘Right then,’ he said. ‘Better go upstairs, unless you want world and his wife watching.’

  I sat, staring at the cup of tea in front of me. I don’t know why I’d made myself one because I knew there was no way I could drink it. My hands were shaking too much to lift the cup and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep anything in my stomach, even if I could manage to swallow any.

  A silent sigh seeped out of me. I didn’t see what else I could do. If I ran out into the street, he would follow. If I shouted and screamed, he would tell everyone what had been going on. There was nothing I could do to stop this happening. It was better if I got it over with as quickly as possible. I simply wanted to get to the point where he was gone, and I could try to pretend it had never happened.

  I stood up, pushing the chair back with my legs, all the time avoiding his eyes. I led the way upstairs, aware of them on my body, scanning every inch of me. I already felt naked in front of him. I went into my bedroom, trying not to look at any of my things, wanting to detach myself from what was about to happen.

  As soon as he touched me, I shut my eyes. I didn’t have to look at him: he couldn’t make me do that. His hands were rough on me, his breath smelt stale. I’d put on a skirt because I’d thought I might be able to stay covered up. I didn’t want to be any more exposed than I had to be. I squeezed my eyes shut harder as he put his hands up my skirt and roughly pulled down my knickers. I started crying as I waited for it to happen. Hot, silent tears that rolled down my cheeks. He pushed my legs apart, thrust himself into me. I winced and turned my head away. I thought I might actually split in half. I tried to think about other things, anything, to take me away from what was happening inside me. To block out the sound of him grunting and the pain searing through my body.

  At some point I became aware that he had finished. I felt him removing himself from me. But even as he did so, I could still feel him inside me. And it was at that moment I knew I would always feel him there. That I would never be able to erase the imprint of him inside my body. I was marked, tainted for life.

  I pulled my knickers back up, aware of the blood trickling down my leg.

  ‘There,’ he said, zipping up his flies. ‘I’ve popped your cherry, for you. Said you were ripe for picking.’

  He was smiling as if he somehow thought I had enjoyed it. That he had done me a favour.

  ‘Same time next week, then,’ he said. ‘And if you tell anyone about this, I’ll say it were all your doing. That you invited me in, begged me for it. You’ll never live it down. You’ll be an outcast. And you’ll take that shame to your grave.’

  13

  John lived on the far side of Heptonstall in a small cottage tucked away down a cobbled side street, out of view from the main road. It was weird to think of how long he and Olive had lived on the opposite side of the valley from us, without us having any idea they were there.

  I pulled up at the end of the road. Maisie got out first, babbling about how she’d quite like to live in Heptonstall but she’d get rid of the cobbles because they were too bumpy.

  Ruby emerged from the car rather more reluctantly. She was still avoiding eye contact with me and was w
earing the same scowl on her face she’d had since Thursday evening.

  ‘Which one is it?’ asked Maisie.

  ‘Number eleven, at the end.’

  Maisie ran up to the door and pressed the bell. When John opened it she threw her arms around him. He glanced up at me, almost as if he wasn’t sure what to do.

  ‘Hi, Uncle John,’ she said. ‘Can I come in and see your house, please?’

  ‘Aye,’ he said. ‘That’d be grand. I’ll give you guided tour, shall I?’

  Maisie slipped her shoes off and disappeared inside.

  ‘Hello, John,’ I said, giving him a peck on the cheek. ‘You may have noticed that she doesn’t stand on ceremony.’

  ‘No, and that’s fine by me. Come on in, Ruby,’ he said. ‘Do you like birds? You might want to come and meet our budgie, Bert.’

  Ruby followed him inside. The hallway was narrow and dark and the front room wasn’t much brighter. As lovely as the mullion windows were to look at, I’d always thought I couldn’t bear to lose all that light.

  Maisie was standing in the far corner looking up at the blue budgie in the cage.

  ‘That’s our Bert,’ said John. ‘I bought him to keep Mum company when her last one died. She’s always had budgies.’

  ‘Isn’t it cruel to keep it in a cage?’ asked Maisie.

  ‘I let him out to fly around in here every night,’ John explained. ‘But he’s fine, just getting on a bit, like me.’

  ‘Mummy said your mummy lives in a home for people who can’t remember things,’ said Maisie.

  ‘Aye, that’s right.’

  ‘Do you take Bert to visit?’

  ‘Afraid not, love. Pets aren’t allowed.’

  ‘When I’m old I’m going to have lots of pets.’

  ‘Good for you,’ John said. ‘Do you want to give him some seeds?’

  He picked up a bag from underneath the cage and handed it to Maisie. ‘Put a handful in his feeder,’ he said. ‘He won’t bite you. He’s right gentle.’

  Maisie did as she was told and smiled as Bert flew down off his perch to tuck in.

  ‘Do you want to give him some, Ruby?’ asked John. She shook her head.

  ‘Right. Well, now Bert’s sorted, I’ll get us some drinks and that,’ he said.

  I left the girls watching Bert and followed John out to the kitchen. ‘I’m afraid you won’t get much out of Ruby, she’s at that difficult age.’

  ‘Oh, aye,’ he said. ‘She’s all right. Don’t need to say owt when you don’t want to.’ He filled the kettle, then got two mugs out from the cupboard and a couple of glasses for the girls.

  ‘Is squash all right for them?’ he asked.

  ‘Yeah, that’s great, thanks.’

  ‘Bit of luck because I’ve got nowt else in. I’ve never been a fan of that fizzy pop they have.’

  I smiled, warming to him all the time. ‘How’s your mum?’ I asked.

  ‘Not so good. Been in a bit of a state, last few days. They say it’s only going to get worse.’

  ‘That’s tough on you. It must be hard to deal with that on your own.’

  He shrugged. ‘One of those things. It’ll come to us all.’

  It made me think. At least I’d have Ruby and Maisie to look after me. John had no one. I’d make sure he wasn’t on his own. He was family now.

  ‘How long have you lived here?’ I asked, looking around the cramped kitchen.

  ‘Oh, donkey’s years. She loved it. Shame, really. Still, it got to point where it were too dangerous for her. She started wandering off to find me when I went out to shops.’

  ‘It’s lucky she had you to look after her, really. Not all sons would make the effort to do that.’

  ‘Least I can do. You only have one mam, don’t you?’

  He looked at me, and I thought he must have realised what he’d said because the smile dropped from his face and he turned straight back to pour boiling water into the tea-pot.

  ‘Did you, er, manage to speak to your mum at all?’ I asked. ‘About the statues?’

  ‘Oh, aye, I did. She couldn’t remember owt about them. She said house had been in family for years, mind.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘It belonged to her great-aunt Aggie. She didn’t have any children. Left it to Betty in her will. Six months later Betty got married and moved in.’

  I frowned at him. ‘Why Betty and not the older ones?’

  ‘Who knows?’

  ‘Is that what the big family falling-out was about?

  John shrugged and poured the squash for the girls. ‘Perhaps. Any road, that’s as much as I could get out of Mam without upsetting her any further. I hope it helps.’

  ‘Yes. Thank you. I’m sure it will, once I figure out everything else, that is.’

  ‘Why, what’s happened?’

  I hesitated, unsure how much to reveal but I felt I could trust John with the information. ‘The bones in the garden. They were my grandmother’s babies but they weren’t my grandfather’s.’

  John said nothing, just nodded.

  ‘You don’t seem surprised.’

  ‘There’s nowt about folk surprises me.’

  ‘You don’t remember talk of her seeing anyone else, do you?’

  ‘If there were, it wouldn’t have been for my ears.’

  ‘Your mum might have known, though, seeing as they were so close.’

  ‘Do you want me to ask her?’

  ‘If you wouldn’t mind. As long as she’s up to it. I wouldn’t want to get her upset again.’

  ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

  ‘Thanks. You and your mum are the only people who knew my grandparents back then. And I’m desperate to try to get to the truth. Even if it’s not a very nice truth.’

  ‘You think it might have been your grandfather that did it?’

  ‘Maybe. He’d have had a reason, wouldn’t he? I just don’t know if he was capable of that.’

  John was quiet as he poured the tea. Then he turned to me. ‘I saw him kill a baby bird once.’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘Your grandfather. He found an injured baby bird in the garden that had fallen from its nest. Your mum were only little, said she wanted to take it indoors and try to make it better. He told her it were best to let nature take its course. Then, when she’d gone inside, he trod on it with his size nines.’

  I stared at John, unable to disguise the horror I felt. ‘Really? My grandfather did that?’

  ‘Aye. I watched him. He told me it were best to put it out of its misery. That there were no use getting sentimental about nature. Survival of the fittest and all that.’

  ‘God. I had no idea he was like that.’

  Maisie ran into the kitchen. ‘Come and see Bert. He’s doing a little nodding dance with his head.’

  I smiled and followed her.

  *

  ‘Maybe I should tell the police,’ I said to James later, once the girls were in bed.

  ‘Tell them what? That your grandfather killed a baby bird, so he probably killed the babies too?’

  ‘Don’t say it like that.’

  ‘That’s how they’d hear it.’

  ‘It’s not only that, is it? The fact that the house belonged to her great-aunt Aggie might be important. Maybe she had something to do with it.’

  ‘You’re sounding more like Miss Marple every day. You do know that?’ said James, leaning forward to top up my glass of wine.

  ‘I just want answers. The police might decide to close the case next week and then I’ll never get any. This could change their minds. It’s worth a try.’

  ‘Can it wait till Monday? It would be nice to spend tomorrow together as a family. I think it would be good for all of us.’

  ‘I don’t think Ruby’s going to fo
rgive me because we spend the day together.’

  ‘Maybe not but it’s a start. We should go out somewhere nice for lunch. After we’ve told them about the house.’

  I put my glass down and looked across at James. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I think you’re right. We should put this house up for sale. It’s the most sensible thing to do in the situation.’

  I frowned at him. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. Why put ourselves under massive financial pressure when there’s a free house sitting up there waiting for us?’

  ‘But you hated the idea of it.’

  ‘I still do, long-term. But right now it makes sense. The money from this place will give us the cushion we need while you look for a job, and if you get one quickly and the whole thing with the police goes quiet, we can look at selling it in a year or two’s time, once I’ve done it up.’

  ‘I told you, we can’t sell it.’

  ‘You might feel differently in a couple of years. And, if not, we can at least rent it out then and find something else back down here when we’re on a more stable financial footing.’

  I didn’t know what to say. He’d made it sound like a good business deal when it was Grandma’s house we were talking about and I hated that. I also hated that, as I’d been the one who’d suggested it in the first place, I couldn’t really say no.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yep. I don’t see how we can do anything else.’

  ‘Ruby’s going to hate me even more than she already does, if that’s possible.’

  ‘Then I’ll tell her it was my idea.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. It’s better that she hates one of us and still has the other one to talk to.’

  ‘It’s not fair on you, though.’

  I made a little ‘humph’ sound. I didn’t care whether or not anything was fair on me. The only person who mattered here was Ruby.

  ‘We’ll tell them together,’ said James. ‘Tomorrow morning. And then we’ll take them out for lunch and to the pictures in the afternoon. We can forget all about it for a bit.’

  I nodded but said nothing. Wished I had a fraction of his optimism.