After I've Gone Read online

  *

  I am sorting out the cutlery later, back in my usual work gear with my interview outfit safely stored away in the staffroom, when I get the text from Lee.

  Congratulations. Carl was blown away. The job’s yours. How about I take you out for lunch tomorrow to celebrate?

  I did it. I got what I wanted. I just wish I felt a little bit happier about it. Sadie walks into the kitchen. I have two choices: I can tell her now and get it over with; or I can put it off as long as possible and crap myself about what she’s going to say when she finds out. It isn’t much of a choice, to be honest.

  ‘Hey,’ I say. ‘Got a minute?’

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ she says, a slight frown on her face. I lead her out of the kitchen, down the corridor beyond and check that no one is in earshot before I say anything.

  ‘I’ve, er, I’ve got a new job,’ I say.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I went for an interview at lunchtime. I got the job.’

  She is staring at me, a look of complete and utter disbelief on her face.

  ‘Where? What doing?’

  ‘At Lee’s company. As a receptionist.’

  She pulls a face and turns her nose up. ‘Why the hell would you want to do that?’

  ‘It’s the only way I’m going to get to see Lee. If I stay here it’s not going to work.’

  ‘Fucking hell, Jess.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re letting him take over your whole life.’

  I stare at her. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen her jealous. That’s why she’s lashing out like this, saying stuff that isn’t true.

  ‘No, I’m not! They happened to have a job going, so I applied for it. Lee didn’t even interview me.’

  ‘But you’d never have gone for it if you hadn’t been going out with him.’

  ‘No, I probably wouldn’t have. But if I wasn’t going out with him, I wouldn’t be fed up with working evenings and never seeing him, would I?’

  Sadie shakes her head. ‘So you’re going to jack in a job you love for him?’

  ‘Come on, it’s not exactly a dream place to work.’

  ‘We have a laugh, don’t we?’

  ‘Well, yeah. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to work here for the rest of my life, does it? Look. It’s only covering maternity leave. If I don’t like it, I can always come back.’

  ‘So it’s not even a permanent job?’

  ‘No. But Lee doesn’t think the current receptionist will come back after she has the kid.’

  ‘You always said you couldn’t hack working in an office.’

  Sadie looks close to tears. I feel awful about doing this to her but I don’t see that I had a choice. Not if I want to carry on seeing Lee.

  I shrug. ‘I need a nine-to-five job. It’s as simple as that.’

  Sadie shakes her head. ‘What about us?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, if you’re working there office hours and seeing him in the evenings, when are we going to see each other?’

  ‘We can get together at weekends.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, you’ll be too busy shagging lover boy.’

  I look away. ‘Sadie, please don’t be like this.’

  ‘What did you expect?’

  ‘I know it’s a shock, but I thought you’d at least be happy for me.’

  ‘How can I be, when you’re selling out like this?’

  My skin prickles. She’s gone too far now. ‘That’s out of order.’

  ‘Why? Because it’s true? You’ve never wanted to be a receptionist. You’ve never wanted to have a nine-to-five job and you’ve never wanted to be the little woman, doing everything her boyfriend asks her to.’

  I go to say something back but the lump in my throat is too big for me to get the words out. I turn on my heels instead and head off in the direction of the toilets. I can’t believe Sadie would say that. It’s so not true. It’s because she’s jealous. She thinks Lee is taking me away from her, that’s why she’s lashing out and saying stupid things.

  I shut the cubicle door and lean back against it, telling myself over and over again that I am doing the right thing. When it doesn’t work, I get out my phone and log on to Facebook. Dad has posted another photo of Harrison. He says he is being a brave boy for his mummy. I put my head back against the door and start to cry.

  PRIVATE MESSAGE

  Sadie Ward

  03/08/2017 11:20pm

  They wouldn’t listen, Jess. They said they would, but they didn’t even ask me to make a formal statement. They just nodded a lot and took my details and said they’d be in touch if they needed any further information.

  I kept hoping they would postpone the funeral, but they didn’t. They buried you along with any evidence and left me standing there bawling my eyes out, wanting to shout and scream at all the other people bawling their eyes out that they didn’t know the half of it, that it wasn’t an accident. That everything they had read or heard about it was wrong. I couldn’t even look at your dad, he was in such a state.

  Lee wasn’t though. Lee was about the only one there who managed to hold himself together through the service. People are saying he’s still in shock. He isn’t though. I know that. The only thing he’s in shock about is the fact that he has got away with it.

  PART TWO

  Jess

  Friday, 4 March 2016

  I still can’t get over the fact that Sadie thinks Lee killed me. It is plainly ridiculous. I thought I was the one with mental health problems. All I can think is that it’s jealousy. That’s all it can be; she’s usually so clear-headed. But, thinking about it, her whole reaction to me saying I was leaving work was so over the top. And she’s been off with me for the past month. She blames Lee for taking me away from her. And somewhere down the line she lets that eat away at her so much that she actually believes he killed me.

  I’ve tried to get her to see that this is about her, not Lee. She clearly feels like she’s being left behind. I’ve suggested that she start applying for jobs, but she doesn’t want to know. Which is a shame, because if she stays there, at the cinema, without me, this is obviously going to fester. I need to find a way to get her to see sense. It’ll be too late once I’m gone. When someone you love dies, you don’t think straight. I, of all people, know that only too well. I need to nip this in the bud now.

  *

  ‘Hey,’ I say, when I arrive on the platform later to find Sadie already there.

  ‘Hi,’ she replies, not even bothering to hide her feelings as she says it. It’s my last day at the cinema. The last day we will share the train journey in. It feels like the end of an era. It feels dead weird. By the end of today, after everything we have gone through together, Jessadie will be no more. She will never return, I know that already. I simply wish it could have ended on a positive note, instead of with this horrible atmosphere.

  ‘Have you changed your mind about a leaving do? There’s still time to organise something if you want to,’ says Sadie.

  ‘No, thanks. I don’t want a big fuss. And Lee’s meeting me after work now, anyway.’

  She makes a face and looks at the ground, scraping her left boot along an imaginary line.

  ‘Why don’t you give him a chance, Sadie?’

  ‘A chance for what? We’re hardly going to become best mates, are we?’

  ‘You don’t know that. You’ve never properly met him.’

  I’m aware this is as much my fault as hers. I get to see Lee so rarely that, when I do, I want him all to myself. I have mentioned the idea of going for a drink with her to Lee, too, but, to be honest, he hasn’t seemed that keen either.

  ‘I’m not sure we’d get on,’ says Sadie. ‘We haven’t exactly got anything in common.’

  ‘You’ve got me in common.’


  ‘So we just talk about you all night?’

  ‘Look, come for a drink with us after work tonight.’

  She hesitates before answering. ‘I’ll think about it, OK?’

  I guess it’s the best I can hope for.

  ‘No regrets about leaving then?’ she asks.

  ‘Nope. It’s what I need to do.’

  ‘You won’t be saying that when you’ve had a week of getting up at seven in the morning.’

  ‘Maybe not,’ I say. ‘But I’ll stay over at Lee’s some nights, that’ll make things easier.’

  ‘And your dad’s fine with that now, is he?’

  It’s my turn to look at the ground. ‘He’ll come round,’ I say, more in hope than certainty.

  ‘So, when are we going to see each other then?’

  ‘Lunchtimes. If you don’t mind coming in early for a shift.’

  ‘You buying, are you?’ For the first time there is a hint of a smile on her face.

  ‘Might be.’

  ‘It won’t be the same though, will it?’

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Just that things are changing.’

  Sadie looks away as the train pulls in. When I sit down opposite her, she is still wiping the tears away.

  *

  We don’t really say anything on the walk from Leeds station. There is nothing left to say. As soon as we get to work, Sadie dumps her stuff and goes off to the kitchen to get started. She isn’t normally this keen.

  ‘Hello, sweetie,’ says Adrian, coming into the staffroom and giving me a hug. ‘I can’t believe it’s your last day.’

  ‘I know. I’ll still come and watch films here, though. You can’t escape me that easily.’

  ‘Well, just make sure you don’t spill your popcorn. You might be all gorgeous receptionist in your new job but I know what a slob you are, remember.’

  I dig him in the ribs, unable to say anything, and walk out of the staffroom, immediately coming face to face with Nina in the corridor.

  ‘No slacking because it’s your last day, OK?’ she says. I’m not sure if she means it seriously or not.

  ‘You’ll miss me when I’m gone,’ I reply, before walking off down the corridor.

  *

  Lee is standing outside the front entrance when I walk out with Sadie that night. She’s going to stay for one drink. I haven’t told Lee she’s coming with us. I figured it would go down better as a spur-of-the-moment thing.

  ‘Hey, how’s it feel to be a woman of leisure?’ He steps forward and kisses me.

  ‘Only for a weekend,’ I reply.

  ‘That’s what you think.’ He puts his hand into his jacket pocket, produces an envelope and hands it to me.

  ‘What’s this?’ I ask.

  ‘Open it and see.’

  I look at him, and then at Sadie, who is hovering behind me.

  ‘Sorry, this is Sadie,’ I say to him. ‘Sadie, Lee.’

  ‘Hi,’ says Lee, flashing her a smile and then looking straight back at me. I open the envelope and pull out two tickets from inside. It takes my brain a moment to register that they are flight tickets to Italy. It takes another moment to notice that the date on them is tomorrow.

  ‘Oh my God. Are we going for the weekend?’

  ‘A week, actually.’

  ‘I don’t understand. What about work?’

  ‘I’ve got a temp in to cover. Thought you deserved a proper holiday before you start. So it’s a week in Venice – if you can put up with me for that long.’

  I stand there staring at him. He has done this for me. Thought of it and organised it and paid for it. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. If this is what being with him all the time is going to be like, I can’t wait to get started.

  ‘Have I finally succeeded in making you speechless?’ Lee asks.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ I say eventually, rushing forward to throw my arms around him. ‘Thank you so much!’

  ‘You’re welcome. I’ll run you home now so you can pack and then I’ll bring you back to mine so we can get to Leeds Bradford Airport for eight thirty tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh wow. This is amazing. Thank you so much.’

  I suddenly remember Sadie is still standing behind me, expecting to go for a farewell drink. I turn around. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I say. ‘I had no idea this was going to happen.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ she says. ‘You go. You’ve got stuff to do.’

  I look at her, trying to work out if she really means it or if she’s simply being nice.

  ‘Do you want a lift home with us? I’m sure Lee won’t mind.’

  ‘No, you two go on,’ she says. ‘I’ll get the train. I don’t fancy playing gooseberry.’

  She’s doing a good job of trying to hide it, but I can still hear the note of resentment in her voice. This is what she’ll remember one day in the future. How Lee always came between us. Always spoilt everything. The seeds of her hating him are probably being sown right at this moment, and there’s nothing I can do about it. She has seen him make this amazing gesture and still she can’t be happy for me.

  ‘OK.’ I shrug.

  ‘Right, well. I’ll see you after your holiday, I guess. Have fun.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say, even though she said it through gritted teeth. She starts to walk away but I go after her. ‘Sadie, at least be happy for me.’

  ‘I am,’ she replies. ‘You and Cinder-fuckin’-rella.’

  I let her go, remembering for a moment how we used to do that whole scene from Pretty Woman together, before turning back to Lee.

  ‘What’s up with her?’ he asks.

  ‘I guess it’s hard for her being the one left behind.’

  ‘Right. Well, we’d better go. We have a plane to catch in less than twelve hours.’

  I take his hand and walk with him. Walk towards a future that no longer scares me. Because nothing can hurt me when I am with this man. Nothing at all.

  *

  We pull up outside my house. I know I should ask Lee in while I pack, but I still can’t bring myself to do it. It’s as if I think the bubble will burst if I allow him to step into my real life. And my carriage will turn back into a pumpkin.

  ‘I’ll be as quick as I can,’ I say, unfastening my seat belt.

  ‘Sure. We’re travelling light, remember. Anything you haven’t got to hand, I’ll get it for you there. Leave some room in your suitcase.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say before sliding out and shutting the door behind me. Maybe Sadie is right – maybe things like this don’t happen to people like me. Not in real life, anyway. It crosses my mind that she could have something to do with the Facebook posts. The first one was from her, after all. And they started on the day I met Lee. I hate myself almost the second I think it, because I know she wouldn’t do that to me, wouldn’t be so cruel. Not when she knows everything I’ve been through.

  I let myself in. Dad is making himself an espresso.

  ‘Hello,’ he says. ‘Didn’t expect to see you yet. Thought you were going for a farewell drink.’

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘There’s been a change of plan.’

  ‘Oh?’

  I can’t stop the grin from spreading across my face. ‘Lee’s taking me on holiday to Venice. We’re flying tomorrow morning. I’ve just come home to pack then I’m going to his place. We’ve got an early start.’

  ‘Woah,’ says Dad, taking the cup of steaming coffee from the machine. ‘That’s a bit sudden.’

  ‘It was a leaving work surprise. He’s got a temp to cover at work next week.’

  ‘You’re going for a week?’

  ‘Yeah. He’s booked the hotel and everything.’

  ‘But you hardly know him.’

  I feel the pin puncture my balloo
n and the first of the air start to escape. ‘Jesus, don’t start this, Dad.’

  ‘Well, he can’t expect you to drop everything and just go with him. There are things to think about.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like whether it’s a sensible thing to do.’

  ‘Sensible?’ I stare at him, not quite believing I am hearing this. ‘When have I ever done anything sensible? I don’t want sensible. I want spontaneous and exciting and that’s what this is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a case to pack. I don’t want to keep Lee waiting.’

  ‘Is he outside?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You should have asked him in.’

  ‘And you’ve just demonstrated exactly why I didn’t.’

  His face crashes into pieces on the kitchen floor. I hurry upstairs, trying not to think of the mess I am leaving behind, and get my case out from under my bed. I haven’t used it since the end of last summer, when Sadie and I went to Amsterdam for a long weekend. We went by train. We didn’t have any choice, really. I couldn’t risk getting on a plane and having another meltdown. It suddenly occurs to me that tomorrow morning I am going to have to get on a plane with Lee and hold myself together for the entire flight. I have to. Because I don’t want him to know anything about what happened. I don’t want to be that Jess Mount anymore, so I need to bury her past with her.

  I open my wardrobe. I have no idea what people wear in Venice, but I’m pretty sure the only things I have in here that are suitable are the evening dress, the mustard tunic and the boots Lee bought me. I pack them and add a couple of pairs of skinny jeans, black leggings and a few long shirts. I chuck in my best underwear and some shorts and cami sets before rushing through to the bathroom and emptying half the contents of the cabinet. I grab my make-up bag and go back to my room for a quick check around. I spot Mum’s shoes, which are still in the bottom of my wardrobe. I know I should ask Dad first, really, but I’m sure he’d say yes, so I put them in and close the case.

  I hurry back downstairs. Dad is sitting at the kitchen table, seemingly resigned to the fact that I am going.